I'm back.

It's been a long time. Are blogs still a thing? Well, whether they are or not, most of the people who followed mine have long since moved on so I guess there's no harm in updating what is, for all intents and purposes, a virtual diary that no one else is likely to ever read.

I just spent the better part of the afternoon reading all of my previous blog entires. The most recent one was written over 3 years ago. How crazy is that? But what's crazier is that the whole time I was reading, I could feel so viscerally the exact same feelings I felt 3 - 5 years ago while I was writing them for the first time. So viscerally, in fact, that after I was done, I had to take a few minutes to readjust to the world I live in now and the person I am now. It was like a weird, virtual time machine, and I was experiencing severe time travel jet lag.

[Disclaimer: I feel like I should apologize here to Heather, if you're reading this, because this is a total plagiarism of the conversation we just had.]

But. I'm back now. And for my first entry, I think what I want to write about is change.

So much has changed since February 4, 2011. I've ended and begun relationships, gotten into grad school, graduated from college, had my heart broken yet again, finished grad school, moved away from Indiana, from the Midwest for the first time ever and traveled hundreds of miles to find myself trying to settle into a new life in New York. But more about my tortured past and exciting, new Carrie Bradshaw-esque life later (that is a joke, bloggers; designer shoes and promiscuous, serial dating are the furthest things from my current reality).

What strikes me the hardest is how clueless 2009-2011 Jessie was about what was to come. And it's not her fault; how could she know? I think she admits and possibly even perseverates on the sense of uncertainty about the future repeatedly in her version of this blog, so at least she was aware of her complete and utter ignorance toward her future.

A friend (Spoiler alert: Again, Heather) asked me what I would say to that Jessie if I could go back. Here is what I've come up with:

1. You’re going to be sad and things are going to suck sometimes, but it will always get better. And it will also always get worse, but that’s life.

The problems you've had in the past and the problems you have now will always matter in some way, but a few years down the road they will seem so distant, you won't even believe they happened to you. And those problems will be replaced with new problems that seem much more pressing and much harder compared to the old ones. But you'll get through them just like you did before and things will work out. They always do. It's never as bad as it seems. And the hurt, the pain and heartbreak you've felt and still do feel (you may have everyone else fooled, 2011 Jessie, but you can't lie to me) will eventually go away. Or it will get covered up by new hurt, new heartbreaks, but when it does, please remember: You got through this once (or twice or however many times). It cut you deeper than you'd ever been cut, and you wanted to be completely numb and sleep until it was all forgotten, but slowly, things got better and you started to feel good again. Eventually, you healed. And I'll let you in on a secret: Me, right now, in 2014 - I'm hurt too, not by the same things that hurt you, but I hurt just the same. And reading about and remembering your pain, I wish I had been reminded of it so much sooner. Because this reminder, the push to keep going and to get through the bad and move on to the good, even when you can't see it, it's just as much for me as it is for you.

2. Don't lose your spirit of adventure and hope, your simultaneous fear and excitement about what comes next.

I've been struggling with this a lot lately. Now that I'm done with school, now that I'm an "adult" (emphasis on the first syllable, you know, the way parents and high school teachers say it), I feel this incredible pressure to get my life together and figure out what comes next. I don't know if I've said this out loud before, but I feel a little bit like I'm failing at this crucial transition in life, with very little money and no definite job prospects. I feel lazy and useless and unfulfilled, and I know that it's just a matter of time and that I'm experiencing now what many people experience right out of college. But you know, I made this big, bold decision to move away, far away, and "pursue my dreams" and "follow love" and blah blah blah, and it just seems like my life isn't as big or as bold as everyone thinks it should be, including me. Everyone keeps saying that the fact that I've had 10+ interviews in 5 months and in the current job market is a good sign, and that I'm going to find something soon, and I know that they're right and I appreciate it. But right now, it just sort of feels like 10+ rejections. Like I've just been dumped by 10+ boyfriends who, granted, I hadn't known for very long and wasn't very serious about, but like every girl does, I was starting to imagine our 10+ lives together and picking out window treatments and naming our children, and so yeah, it hurt when they broke it off. And truthfully, it has been a blow to my perfect score-getting, dramatic lead-having, Academic Honors, High School wunderkind ego.
That being said, I've made a lot of friends and connections and learned so much about the craft I'm passionate about and the field I thought I had figured out. And I've seen four Broadway musicals and promoted a live on VH1 concert and worked for a Tony Award-winning theatre, so FINE YOU'RE RIGHT, I've done relatively well, but just LET ME FEEL MY FEELINGS OKAY.

Anyway. The point is, past Jessie, despite how very lost she was at times, never lost her sense of wonder, and I need to work on finding that again. I need to work on not getting so bogged down in the uncertainty and panic I feel and the "Oh my God I'm going to run out of money and never get a job and have to work at Starbucks or live on the streets" and just be excited about where I am and what I'm doing and the future I can't imagine right now. I need to remember how I felt an hour or so ago, returning from my time travel, that it all has changed so much and I wish I could have known.

I need to keep telling myself that just like past Jessie, you will figure it out and it will all seem so simple and unimportant when you do. You'll be okay.

You know, they're right, whoever "they" are. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Rapid Eye Movement

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Well, I guess that's probably not saying too much; my dreams always tend to be weird, but I often don't remember them. I've remembered a ton of them lately. So, in the spirit of blogging and documentation, I'm going to treat this as my dream journal. I probably won't do it forever...and if I have dreams that are weird or personal, I probably won't write about them. I'll use my discretion. Anyway, to start off, I'm going to describe all the weird dreams I've had this week...in reverse chronological order.

Ok. Here we go.

Thursday - Last night, (or rather, this morning), I dreamt that I was at a high school swim practice. I was walking around the pool deck, and all the swimmers (guys in this case; it must have been the boys' swim team) were standing in the pool, in a set-up similar to a baseball team. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Anyway, as I was walking around the pool, Ryan (who was in the "outfield") called me over. He started talking to me about some musical or singer or something...and told me he had a song I should listen to. I told him I had to go to the bathroom, but I'd come back and listen to it later. So, I went into the girls' bathroom and (here's where it gets weird) this girl walked up to me looking really dazed - almost possessed - and said, "It got to you too?" And then she passed out and fell to the floor. Then this blonde, ghostly girl came out of a stall holding a knife. I somehow figured out that she was, in fact, a ghost, and so I ran out of the bathroom (leaving my phone on the sink). When I came out of the bathroom, I ran haphazardly around the pool, and Ryan yelled something to me, kind of a cheer, and then realized that I was freaking out and some of the guys started to come over to me to see what was wrong, but then the coach called them in. Anyway, I started walking around the pool again, and this tall, scruffy guy came toward me (apparently my boyfriend or something?) and I told him what had happened. Then I said I left my phone in the bathroom, and would he come with me to get it. So we walked toward the bathroom and then this weird kid came up to us and started making fun of maybemyboyfriendguy and I slapped him (weirdkid) and then he slapped me back and maybemyboyfriendguy picked him up by his shirt and threw him on the ground. Then we went in to the bathroom, and Allison Albaugh was going in too, and I told her she shouldn't go in there but she did anyway and the ghost was in there with a knife again. So somehow maybemyboyfriendguy managed to take the knife from her while I grabbed my phone and we ran out, but she followed us. She started throwing these other knives at us. We kept running, and she kept knife-throwing, but then I turned around and said, "Wait, let me help you." And asked her why she was there (you know, why she hadn't "crossed over" or something) and she said she had unfinished business and that she had to "dream her dream." I think her dream had something to do with flying. Or swimming in the Olympics. So we agreed to help her, but she was still creepy. Then Erin walked up to me and said that she'd made me some bran muffins. And then I woke up.

Wednesday - Wednesday night, I dreamt that my mom and I were at a pet store in the mall (that happened to look like a mix between Victoria's Secret and Bath & Body Works, but it was selling puppies). We found this dalmation puppy (that was folded up like a purse, or kind of like a pillow pet) and thought it was really soft and really cute, so we got in line to find out how much it cost. We stood in line for a long time, and we were really excited about getting this puppy, but when we finally got up there, the cashier told us that the puppy cost $17,000. Obviously, we opted not to get the puppy. I had thought it would cost like $300, so it was quite a bit more expensive than we were looking for. Then we put the puppy back in its cage and walked out. And that was it.

Tuesday - Tuesday night's dream is a crowd favorite. Also, definitely the least weird dream of the week. Tuesday night, I dreamt that a girl (I think Rachel) needed lipstick, and I had some lipstick in my purse, so I gave it to her. But here's the crazy part - in real life, I DON'T have lipstick in my purse.

Yeah, that's it. It's as boring as you think.

Monday - Monday night, I dreamt that I'd been walking around this festival or fair or something (if you've seen Elizabethtown, it looked a lot like the flea market Orlando Bloom goes to at the end of the movie). Anyway, I came up to this shop where they sold shoes and puppies (A lot of dreams about puppies lately). I was there for shoes, and I found this really cute pair of shoes that I wanted - they looked kind of like the blue flower-y looking Toms, but they were shaped more like Sperrys. So I found these shoes, but then this lady came up and took them, when she clearly knew that I wanted them. And what's worse - she wasn't even there for shoes. She was shopping for puppies. Bitch. So then I bought these other shoes that were a dark teal and kind of like those old Kangaroo shoes (remember, with the pockets?) and was unhappy about it. The end.

Cause I need freedom now, and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be.

"Everything is going to be alright."

I saw that written on a stall in the bathroom today.

I know that. I always have. But sometimes it's good to have a reminder. I think everyone could use a reminder of that sometimes.

It really will be ok. No matter how bad it seems, it will be fine. I really do believe that.

I'm glad I'm not the only one :)

Take the world off your shoulders - and put it on me.

The Perseids were last week. Well, technically, I think they last for a couple weeks, but they were supposed to peak last Thursday, the 12th. I wish I'd thought to write this then. The Perseids are basically the biggest shooting star event of the calendar year, like the Oscars in the world of meteor showers.

I've been looking back on all my blog entries in the last year, specifically, at the ones right about this time last year. I remembered that last year I wrote about the Perseids, and sure enough, there it was. August 12th. Textual insight into what I was thinking as I watched the same stars fall a year ago.

I guess I've come pretty far in the last year. Ok, no, I know I've come far in the last year. This year, star-gazing from a boat, on a lake in southern Indiana with a boy. Last year, star-gazing from the roof of my car in my driveway on the Southside with a dad (my dad, to be specific). This year, looking forward to and thinking about the future, both immediate and distant. Last year, struggling to get myself out of the past. This year, listening to Ryan Star on repeat. Last year, Jimmy Eat World.

And the thought that keeps coming back to me (the thing that wants to be written, though it's not what I originally intended) is how unaware I was last year of just how much better things could get. At the time, I thought I was stuck. I'd been making progress, on my way up, but I'd hit a brick wall. I didn't know how it could get any better than it was; I couldn't see a way out of where I was. And yet, here I sit, a year later, as happy as I've ever been and feeling like myself again.

Nothing's ever as bad as it seems.

With the exception of those suffering from a terminal illness, living on the streets or malnourished in a third world country, most of our lives are pretty good. Granted, some days might not be as good as others, maybe things don't go the way we'd like all the time, but in general, life is good.

When I have bad days, you know, when I start to think things like, "My life sucks," I like to go through this checklist:

Am I alive?

Am I healthy?

Am I safe/living comfortably?

Am I doing well in school/work?

Am I loved?

I don't think there's ever been an occasion when I've answered "No," to any of those questions. As far as I'm concerned, that's all you need, probably less than that even. As long as I can say "Yes" to the important things, I figure I'm doing alright. Not to toot my own horn, but I think with an attitude like this, a lot of people would be a lot happier on a daily basis. Unfortunately, to achieve perspective, you have to be willing to look through immediate emotions and situation, a thick veil at times.

There's still hope. There always is. However low you may get, you're never at the bottom, as long as you live. So look up.

There's still hope. There always is.

Today I discovered that happiness isn't something we find. It's something we create. This is my first step toward recovery.

We feel guilty because we are guilty.

I am perpetually scared, exhausted, jealous, anxious & sorry...but at this very moment, I am alright with that.

We're all waiting for something.

If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by.

I'm ready to lose everything because I've found the people worth failing for.

I've finally realized that sometimes you lose the good things in life to make room for the great things.

At last, I am loving my life.

I'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling.

Breathe.

Breeeeaaaathe.

In and out.

Everything is going so fast. So much is happening, SO fast. I feel out of control of my own life...school, friends, family, future, everything. But...I think it's good. My life is good. It is, really, right now. Nothing's...wrong...necessarily; it's just that everything's going to fast, and it seems like all of a sudden, there are a million things happening at once. It's just hard to keep up sometimes.

Sometimes, life goes so fast that I think we forget to breathe, like how you hold your breath on a difficult set while doing weights. Sometimes it's good to just stop everything and look around. Take a second to look at your life and take stock of it all, the good things, the not-so-good things, the things you should work on and the things you can't do anything to change. More times than not, I think there are more good things than not-so-good, more good than you think; you just have to take the time to see them.

"Take a picture of your life...remember what it looks like before it all changes..."

Breathe in, breathe out.

Exhale, pull the trigger.

Everything is gonna be alright.

You will see your beauty every moment that you rise

Ten things you wish you could say to ten different people.

10. I wish you could still be my friend, but I understand why you can't. And I'm sorry.

9. I know we haven't been working very hard at our friendship recently, but you're still important to me.

8. It seems like your life is getting on track. I hope you've got your shit as together as you say you do.

7. I've finally realized it's not your fault. There's no reason for me to hate you. And I'm ready to stop.

6. I don't understand you. No seriously, I have no idea how your brain works. But I hope you get yourself figured out before it's too late.

5. I'm glad we got closer this summer. We were growing apart, but now we're back to the way we used to be.

4. I hope you can learn to just relax and enjoy life.

3. Nothing's ever as bad as it seems. It's all going to be fine. You're going to be fine. I promise.

2. Thanks for being there for me when no one else could. It might be the nicest thing you've ever done for me. I hope I can repay the favor.

1. I carry you with me everywhere. And I'm starting to hate myself for it.

Nine things about yourself.

9. When I retire, I want to open a dessert cafe. It will be in an old house with slanting floors, and we'll serve only desserts and hot beverages. No two dishes, mugs or bowls will look the same.

8. I want a bloodhound. Don't ask me why; it's a recent obsession. I will get one, and I will name him Eddie Walker.

7. I love singing more than almost anything else. It makes me feel special, important. Everything else goes away, and all I can think about is making music.

6. I love Ben Folds almost as much :)

5. I really like graveyards...but not like I want to live in one and sleep in a coffin. There's just something about them that fascinates me.

4. I had to go to vision therapy when I was in elementary school. My eyes didn't focus together.

3. If my dad had been the only one to name me, I would have been Esmerelda ... Esmerelda Eppelheimer.

2. I consider myself an artist when it comes to CD mixes. It's a legit skill.

1. Sometimes I feel like taking up smoking just so I could have one of those cigarette-holder things. Think Cruella Deville. That'd be badass.

Eight ways to win your heart.

8. Be open with me. Tell me what you're thinking or just what you're up to. Let me get to know you.

7. Be willing to make a fool of yourself. I'm silly and kinda crazy sometimes, so be goofy and crazy with me.

6. I love being at home/with my family, so get to know and be friendly with my family.

5. Share your passions with me. Let me be part of the things that are important to you, the things that you love.

4. Surprise me. Show up on my doorstep unannounced; take me paintballing; bring me flowers on a weekday. :)

3. Talk to me. Tell me your life story; talk about life, love, politics, religion, everything. Talk to me late into the night, until there's nothing else to talk about.

2. Text/call me just to let me know you're thinking about me. It's silly, I know, but I'll love you for it.

1. Let me know why you like me. It's superficial, but hey, a girl likes compliments every once in a while :)

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

7. My head hurts.

6. I'm so tired.

5. I wish I had my guitar right now.

4. What time is it?

3. I wonder what (insert name here)'s doing.

2. Things I'm looking forward to.

1. I wonder what these bus people think I'm like just from looking at me.

Six things you do before you fall asleep.

6. Do ab exercises.

5. Pack my backpack.

4. Pick out my outfit for the next day.

3. Drink tea.

2. Set my alarm.

1. Sometimes listen to my ipod.

Five people who mean a lot.

5. Family (I can count them all as one)

4. Heather

3. Andy

2. Lauren

1. Erin

(There are lots more; you know who you are)

Four things you're wearing right now.

4. Maggie's Superman hoodie

3. Favorite pj pants

2. Zebra striped knee socks

1. Slippers

Three songs that you listen to often.

3. Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional

2. Six Feet Under the Stars - All Time Low

1. Something Beautiful - Needtobreathe

Two things you want to do before you die.

2. See Pompeii.

1. Travel across the country.

One confession.

1. I'm not really sure what I want in life. It scares me sometimes. But mostly, I'm excited about the possibilities.