I've been thinking a lot recently about the things that make people who they are. I know that sounds incredibly vague, but here's what I mean:
Everyone talks about "finding yourself" and being "true to yourself," but I've always had trouble with those concepts. If I say that I'm "finding myself" that implies that what I'm looking for is something concrete and definite that I'm going to find somewhere...but I don't think that's the case. I don't like to think of myself as some sort of fixed, unchanging being. People aren't meant to stay the same forever. We're supposed to change and evolve and adapt with the natural ebb and flow of our lives.
Yesterday, I set out on sort of a symbolic journey to "Normal" (Illinois) to celebrate where I am in my life and how far I've come in just a year. About halfway there, the car broke down, and we were stranded in Illinois for the day. We started talking about what it might mean that we never made it to "Normal," mostly as a joke, but it got me thinking. It seems to me that the whole idea of trying to get to normal is a little misguided... What I mean is that we're chasing something that doesn't really exist. We're never going to get there. My "Normal" changes just as I change; it's not a set point. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a goal in life, but I think we need to learn to accept the fact that that goal might have to be...malleable. You know how people say that it can never be tomorrow because it's always today? It's like that. The direction or goal of a person's life has to change as he gets closer to reaching it.
There's a quote I like that goes, "We're all waiting for something."
I think that's true, but I think it would be just as accurate to say, "We're always waiting for something." Do we ever really get where we're headed or obtain the things we want? Obviously, yes, but as soon as you get there or have it, isn't it true that you almost immediately start thinking about your next destination or something else that you want? I know that's true for me. I don't think there's anything wrong with it; on the contrary, I don't know any other way to live. If I had no direction in life, if as soon as I reached my goal I stopped moving forward, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. If I'm not working toward anything, then what's the point? I think there is a particular joy in life that can only be found in the challenges and obstacles we face in pursuit of something we can't really see and that we might never find, the impossible, the unreachable.
I think that's just what Normal is (besides being a city in Illinois): an idea. It's out of reach, but it keeps us moving. The hope of one day finding it is what gives us the momentum and strength to keep going day to day (even if, on some level, we know we never will).
So that's where I am. I'm not entirely sure where that is, but I guess it's here. I'm on my way.
