In it, I was Meg Ryan, and I was engaged to Bill Pulman (you know, the dad from Casper?).
It was either the night before or the day of our wedding, and I (Meg Ryan) was sharing some sort of bedroom suite with Brad Pitt. Apparently we'd been conducting this affair for a while, and, as it turns out, Brad Pitt and I had dated years before and had broken up, but we started seeing each other again after I was engaged to Bill Pulman. Anyway, I don't really remember much of the middle part of the dream, but in the end, I ended up with Brad Pitt in what seemed like a perfect, cheesy, chick-flicky ending.
After the dream, I woke up with that feeling you get after having a happy dream. I reveled in that for a while, but then I started to remember more of the dream and started thinking, "Am I allowed to feel happy about this? I had an affair and ruined a relationship, and I (as Meg Ryan) didn't feel the smallest bit of guilt about it."
I know it seems silly, and it was just dream, but I actually do have a point. This whole "affair" thing got me thinking about how often I've thought or said, "I would never do something like that," and what I really have been thinking about is how often I've actually ended up doing some of those things I never thought I'd do. At first, this made me feel kind of...discouraged and ashamed of myself, but I've realized that feeling embarrassed or ashamed or disappointed of things I've done or said or thought isn't getting me anywhere. Though I might not be proud of some of those things, I've done them, and there's nothing I can do to change that. And really, if you can go through life without doing anything that you regret, well, good for you, but I don't think that's realistic.
I guess what I'm really saying is that I need to learn to live for right now and not dwell on what happened in the past. That may seem like a big DUH, but I don't think it's something I've ever really thought about, at least not in reference to myself.
In the end, I don't want to be thinking about all the things I wish I hadn't done. My life is what it is and will be what it will be. I am defined by what I have and haven't done, and I have to be willing to let go of who I thought I was and be aware of and accept and eventually (hopefully) be happy with who I am now.
Just because you do something that might be looked down upon or that you always swore you wouldn't do, you're NOT a bad person. You are who you are, and that's all there is to it.
(That's not to say, of course, that I would condone murder or terrorism or anything like that just because those people were "being who they are," but that's not really the point, is it? You know what I'm saying.)
