Life is always hard for the belle of the boulevard

I can't sleep.

I have all these thoughts bouncing around in my head, and they're keeping me awake.

I keep reliving things that have already happened...revisiting my past emotions.

I don't know why. This is self-destructive. I'm making myself sad.

I'm going to blame hormones.

Anyway, I've been told that the best way to deal with emotions/thoughts is to write it out, and I was getting ready to do that when I found this...journal entry that I wrote sometime last year. I never posted it, but I think now I want to. So, here it is, direct from January 30, 2009 (with a few minor grammatical corrections, but other than that, pretty much as written).

I think it's important to know who you are and what your flaws are as well as your strengths. This, in my opinion, is the only way you can possibly become the person you most want to be. You must be aware of and at peace with (or willing to try to fix) your flaws, but you must also know your strengths so that you can use them to grow and improve (if not just to remind you that you are special and that you have value). So, I don't know how accurate I'll be, but this is how I see myself:

Strengths:

• I'm smart. Not like genius smart, but I do think I'm a pretty intelligent person. I've always gotten good grades and most things come pretty naturally to me.
• I'm talented. Again, I may not be a prodigy or the next Julie Andrews, but I do think I have some sort of natural talent - specifically musical. I have been told and do believe to an extent that I have "gift," so to speak, for music, specifically singing.
• I'm a good listener. I've been somewhat introverted most of my life, but one advantage I've gained from that is the fact that I've learned to listen to people and maybe hear them more than other people who might be more talkative themselves.
• I work hard in relationships. I don't just mean "love" relationships; I mean all kinds of relationships. For those people I care about the most, I will be there any time they need me (so long as I wake up). I will listen to what they need to say and give advice if they need it, but mostly I mean that unless they do something completely unforgivable (like murder or something of that nature), I will stay by their side(s) whether I agree with them or not.
• I'm not...unattractive. I don't want to say I'm pretty, because until recently, I'd never really thought of myself that way. But yeah, I'm sorta pretty I guess.
• I'm funny...or I can be. My sense of humor might be a little weird, but some people think I'm funny, I guess.
• I'm creative. I really think that this might be my best strength. I'm good at coming up with clever/cute/good ideas for gifts, projects, even future business plans. I'm an idea person. I'm constantly coming up with plans and ideas. I think this is what could take me places. I could do big things.

Flaws:

I don't want to list all of them right now (or ever, really), but these are the ones I think are kind of big.

• I don't show my emotions. I don't get mad or upset very often, but when I do, I keep it inside and let it build up until I can't handle it anymore and have a big messy meltdown. It's probably unhealthy, but it's just how I work. I'm trying to be better.
• I don't show affection easily. I don't often hug my friends. I don't tell my parents I love them. I have a lot of trouble expressing to guys how I feel about them. I don't know what it is; I've just never been comfortable showing much affection.
• I'm impatient. I've gotten a lot better about this in recent years, but I'm still not a particularly patient person. I don't like to wait my turn; I don't like to wait for people, and I don't like to wait for things to happen.
• I'm lazy. If I have the choice between getting up and doing something productive (but unnecessary) and lying in bed and watching TV, I'll usually choose the latter. I do work hard when it comes to things that are important or that I'm passionate about, but in general, I'm kind of lazy.
• I worry too much. This, I think, is probably my biggest flaw. I find that when I have too much time to think, I end up running down all of my worries and problems in my head. I think them to death, and I probably just make the problem way worse in my head than it is in real life, and I worry unnecessarily. I worry all the time.

I think, for now, that's where I am with myself. I'm not going to dwell on any of this; instead, I'm going to try to build upon my strengths and remedy my faults. I know that I will probably never completely be rid of these flaws, but hopefully, my awareness of them will help me to not let them bring me down. This is my hope and my aim.

Goodnight.