Cause I need freedom now, and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be.

"Everything is going to be alright."

I saw that written on a stall in the bathroom today.

I know that. I always have. But sometimes it's good to have a reminder. I think everyone could use a reminder of that sometimes.

It really will be ok. No matter how bad it seems, it will be fine. I really do believe that.

I'm glad I'm not the only one :)

Take the world off your shoulders - and put it on me.

The Perseids were last week. Well, technically, I think they last for a couple weeks, but they were supposed to peak last Thursday, the 12th. I wish I'd thought to write this then. The Perseids are basically the biggest shooting star event of the calendar year, like the Oscars in the world of meteor showers.

I've been looking back on all my blog entries in the last year, specifically, at the ones right about this time last year. I remembered that last year I wrote about the Perseids, and sure enough, there it was. August 12th. Textual insight into what I was thinking as I watched the same stars fall a year ago.

I guess I've come pretty far in the last year. Ok, no, I know I've come far in the last year. This year, star-gazing from a boat, on a lake in southern Indiana with a boy. Last year, star-gazing from the roof of my car in my driveway on the Southside with a dad (my dad, to be specific). This year, looking forward to and thinking about the future, both immediate and distant. Last year, struggling to get myself out of the past. This year, listening to Ryan Star on repeat. Last year, Jimmy Eat World.

And the thought that keeps coming back to me (the thing that wants to be written, though it's not what I originally intended) is how unaware I was last year of just how much better things could get. At the time, I thought I was stuck. I'd been making progress, on my way up, but I'd hit a brick wall. I didn't know how it could get any better than it was; I couldn't see a way out of where I was. And yet, here I sit, a year later, as happy as I've ever been and feeling like myself again.

Nothing's ever as bad as it seems.

With the exception of those suffering from a terminal illness, living on the streets or malnourished in a third world country, most of our lives are pretty good. Granted, some days might not be as good as others, maybe things don't go the way we'd like all the time, but in general, life is good.

When I have bad days, you know, when I start to think things like, "My life sucks," I like to go through this checklist:

Am I alive?

Am I healthy?

Am I safe/living comfortably?

Am I doing well in school/work?

Am I loved?

I don't think there's ever been an occasion when I've answered "No," to any of those questions. As far as I'm concerned, that's all you need, probably less than that even. As long as I can say "Yes" to the important things, I figure I'm doing alright. Not to toot my own horn, but I think with an attitude like this, a lot of people would be a lot happier on a daily basis. Unfortunately, to achieve perspective, you have to be willing to look through immediate emotions and situation, a thick veil at times.

There's still hope. There always is. However low you may get, you're never at the bottom, as long as you live. So look up.

There's still hope. There always is.

Today I discovered that happiness isn't something we find. It's something we create. This is my first step toward recovery.

We feel guilty because we are guilty.

I am perpetually scared, exhausted, jealous, anxious & sorry...but at this very moment, I am alright with that.

We're all waiting for something.

If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by.

I'm ready to lose everything because I've found the people worth failing for.

I've finally realized that sometimes you lose the good things in life to make room for the great things.

At last, I am loving my life.

I'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling.

Breathe.

Breeeeaaaathe.

In and out.

Everything is going so fast. So much is happening, SO fast. I feel out of control of my own life...school, friends, family, future, everything. But...I think it's good. My life is good. It is, really, right now. Nothing's...wrong...necessarily; it's just that everything's going to fast, and it seems like all of a sudden, there are a million things happening at once. It's just hard to keep up sometimes.

Sometimes, life goes so fast that I think we forget to breathe, like how you hold your breath on a difficult set while doing weights. Sometimes it's good to just stop everything and look around. Take a second to look at your life and take stock of it all, the good things, the not-so-good things, the things you should work on and the things you can't do anything to change. More times than not, I think there are more good things than not-so-good, more good than you think; you just have to take the time to see them.

"Take a picture of your life...remember what it looks like before it all changes..."

Breathe in, breathe out.

Exhale, pull the trigger.

Everything is gonna be alright.

You will see your beauty every moment that you rise

Ten things you wish you could say to ten different people.

10. I wish you could still be my friend, but I understand why you can't. And I'm sorry.

9. I know we haven't been working very hard at our friendship recently, but you're still important to me.

8. It seems like your life is getting on track. I hope you've got your shit as together as you say you do.

7. I've finally realized it's not your fault. There's no reason for me to hate you. And I'm ready to stop.

6. I don't understand you. No seriously, I have no idea how your brain works. But I hope you get yourself figured out before it's too late.

5. I'm glad we got closer this summer. We were growing apart, but now we're back to the way we used to be.

4. I hope you can learn to just relax and enjoy life.

3. Nothing's ever as bad as it seems. It's all going to be fine. You're going to be fine. I promise.

2. Thanks for being there for me when no one else could. It might be the nicest thing you've ever done for me. I hope I can repay the favor.

1. I carry you with me everywhere. And I'm starting to hate myself for it.

Nine things about yourself.

9. When I retire, I want to open a dessert cafe. It will be in an old house with slanting floors, and we'll serve only desserts and hot beverages. No two dishes, mugs or bowls will look the same.

8. I want a bloodhound. Don't ask me why; it's a recent obsession. I will get one, and I will name him Eddie Walker.

7. I love singing more than almost anything else. It makes me feel special, important. Everything else goes away, and all I can think about is making music.

6. I love Ben Folds almost as much :)

5. I really like graveyards...but not like I want to live in one and sleep in a coffin. There's just something about them that fascinates me.

4. I had to go to vision therapy when I was in elementary school. My eyes didn't focus together.

3. If my dad had been the only one to name me, I would have been Esmerelda ... Esmerelda Eppelheimer.

2. I consider myself an artist when it comes to CD mixes. It's a legit skill.

1. Sometimes I feel like taking up smoking just so I could have one of those cigarette-holder things. Think Cruella Deville. That'd be badass.

Eight ways to win your heart.

8. Be open with me. Tell me what you're thinking or just what you're up to. Let me get to know you.

7. Be willing to make a fool of yourself. I'm silly and kinda crazy sometimes, so be goofy and crazy with me.

6. I love being at home/with my family, so get to know and be friendly with my family.

5. Share your passions with me. Let me be part of the things that are important to you, the things that you love.

4. Surprise me. Show up on my doorstep unannounced; take me paintballing; bring me flowers on a weekday. :)

3. Talk to me. Tell me your life story; talk about life, love, politics, religion, everything. Talk to me late into the night, until there's nothing else to talk about.

2. Text/call me just to let me know you're thinking about me. It's silly, I know, but I'll love you for it.

1. Let me know why you like me. It's superficial, but hey, a girl likes compliments every once in a while :)

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

7. My head hurts.

6. I'm so tired.

5. I wish I had my guitar right now.

4. What time is it?

3. I wonder what (insert name here)'s doing.

2. Things I'm looking forward to.

1. I wonder what these bus people think I'm like just from looking at me.

Six things you do before you fall asleep.

6. Do ab exercises.

5. Pack my backpack.

4. Pick out my outfit for the next day.

3. Drink tea.

2. Set my alarm.

1. Sometimes listen to my ipod.

Five people who mean a lot.

5. Family (I can count them all as one)

4. Heather

3. Andy

2. Lauren

1. Erin

(There are lots more; you know who you are)

Four things you're wearing right now.

4. Maggie's Superman hoodie

3. Favorite pj pants

2. Zebra striped knee socks

1. Slippers

Three songs that you listen to often.

3. Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional

2. Six Feet Under the Stars - All Time Low

1. Something Beautiful - Needtobreathe

Two things you want to do before you die.

2. See Pompeii.

1. Travel across the country.

One confession.

1. I'm not really sure what I want in life. It scares me sometimes. But mostly, I'm excited about the possibilities.

Lay 'em down

I was watching Pay it Forward the other day. You know, with Haley Joel Osment, Helen Hunt and Kevin Spacey? I love that movie. Haley Joel Osment was way adorable-er as a little kid.

Anyway. You know the part where Kevin Spacey finally shows Helen Hunt the scars on his chest? I've always thought that part, when he tells the story of how he got the scars, is really disturbing and sad, but for some reason, this time it was particularly soul-crushing. I just started thinking: not only did he have to go through the physical and emotional pain that gave him those scars, but now, for the rest of his life, he'll have those reminders. He can never block out or forget what happened to him. And I think what was making me so sad is that I have scars like that. No, they're not as severe and they aren't physical, but I have scars. We all do.

We all (or most of us anyway) have been through things that have caused us pain and sorrow. It can be mild or severe, but we've all felt it. And what's worse is that once we've experienced this pain and gotten through it, it's not over. Our wounds start to heal, and after a while, they scab over, but what do we do? We pick at the scabs. We just want to get rid of the ugly scab without thinking about how we're prolonging our pain. It might not even hurt at first, but sooner or later, it'll start to bleed again. And the cycle repeats. We don't give ourselves the chance to heal, and then, even once we do heal, that scar will always be there, reminding us of the pain we once felt. I have to wonder, what's worse? Is it the initial, stinging pain of a new wound or the dull but constant, lasting pain we experience every time we look at our scars and remember how we got them?

I'm not even 20 years old. I've hardly experienced any life, and already I have scars. I can only imagine how many I'll have 40 years from now when I've lived more life than I'll have left. But I guess that's just how life works, isn't it? And hopefully I'll have enough happy memories and good experiences that my scars will be outshone.

This is depressing, I know. Sorry.

Pandora

No. This is not about Avatar.

Ok, so, this is something I've been thinking about for a while.

It's a question...or a challenge...or a game. It doesn't matter, but here:

Say you have to "meet" someone you don't know without ever seeing/speaking to that person. You have to figure out a way to make him/her get to know you as well as you possibly can without ever making direct contact. Here's how you do it:

• Choose 4 things that you want to show your...new friend. These should be things that you own already. So, you can't use anything that you've created specifically for this purpose i.e. no letters or collages.
• Choose things that exemplify you as a person, things that mean a lot to you and that you think show who you are.
• You can use items such as pictures or journals, but it's not recommended just because it's not very creative.

What would you choose?

I've had a lot of time to think about this, so I'll give you mine.

1. My Postsecret wall

First of all, if you don't know what Postsecret is, check it out: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

People from all over the world anonymously mail in their secrets. Every Sunday, new ones are posted on that website, and every Sunday, I go to the site and choose my favorites then print them out and tape them to a wall in my room. I started doing this last year but started over last semester, and I currently have about...30 - 40 of them on my wall.

This wall is probably my favorite part of my room, and I love all of my secrets. I always choose secrets that either 1. I identify with, 2. I want to be inspired by or 3. I think are just amusing, and so I think this would be a good way to get a pretty good feel for what I'm like.

2. My Itunes playlists

When I put music on my computer or my Ipod, I like to organize it into playlists. I have playlists of my favorite artists and my favorite shows, but I also have a lot of playlists that I've put together or from cds that others have given me (including funny/clever/strange names that I've created for these playlists). These playlists are probably the best way to sum up my rather eclectic taste in music, and music is an important part of my life and part of what makes me me.

3. My closet

There are at least three things you can learn from looking at my closet:

1. I'm not very organized.

2. I have a color. If you know me, you probably can picture it. My friends just refer to it as "the Jessie color." It's blue-ish.

3. I have a very particular style, or rather styles. I think for most people, you can tell a lot from what kind of clothes they wear. Everyone has a "look" and it seems to me that it usually coincides pretty well with personality.

4. My handwriting

I would choose something like my class notes or something I've doodled on, something that would show my handwriting but not give a really clear example of the things I like to write about. The reason I'd choose this is because my handwriting is something I really like and that I'm really proud of. That probably makes me kind of a dork, but I don't care. I really enjoy writing and seeing my handwriting on paper. And I definitely think it says something about me. For instance, my sister told me recently (on two separate occasions) that she thinks my handwriting would qualify me to work at the Disney Store and also that my handwriting makes me seem like the type of person who would sing the voices for the Disney Princesses. And then of course, there's all that handwriting analysis stuff, but that's not really part of my decision.

Anyway. Those are mine.

I think it's an interesting question. It makes you think a lot about what defines you and what makes you who you are. At least that's what it makes me think about.

Anyway, you should try it on yourself. It's kind of fun :)

I wanna feel weightless, and that should be enough

Sometimes, I think life would be a lot easier if we were just on our own. If we didn't have to worry about other people like our friends, our family and all those around us. If we didn't have to worry about what they might think or say or what they think we should do or what they expect of us.

You know how on the Sims, there's an option to turn on or off Free Will? Well, there is. You can either let them move around as they want and do things on their own or make it so that they'll only do what you tell them to do. Sometimes, I wish life was like that. But...not exactly. I wish that there were some switch we could flip that would turn off other people's ability to judge us, to care about what we do and say. So that with certain things or at certain times in our lives, we could be on our own. We could do just what we want or say just what we want and not have to worry about how it will affect other people or what they'll think of it.

I don't mean that I want to be able to like...murder people or become a raging slut or do hard drugs. I just want to be able to make my own decisions, sometimes, without having to take others' opinions into account, you know, especially with big life decisions like, what do I want my major to be, or should I transfer, or should I drop out of college, or should I make a huge career change? (Which is not to say that I've thought about doing any of these things; I'm just trying to make a point). I spend so much time and energy listening to, thinking about, worrying about what other people will think about my actions and my choices, that by the time I've processed it all and am able to spit out an opinion, a decision, I sometimes can't tell if it's really mine or someone else's. If, for once, I could just ignore everything that everyone tells me and everyone's opinions and everything that everyone else wants me to do, then maybe I could actually figure out what I want to do.

I don't really wish I were on my own. I don't. I'm happy that there are people in my life who care about me enough to want to help me, that there are people who just want what's best for me. The problem is, I don't always know what's best for me. And I just want to have a chance to figure it out.

Resolutions

Look.

It seems like most of the time, all we do is complain about things. I want this, I want that...I wish I could this, I wish I could that.

Well you know what? Sometimes, you have to work for the things you want.

Quit whining about it and just go out and make it happen. Put yourself out there and do the best you can. Maybe you'll get it, and maybe you won't, but at least at the end of the day, you can rest easy knowing you did everything you could and that you are where you are because you chose it. You made it that way.

Yeah, sometimes good things come to those who wait and those who wait don't have to do anything. But I think for the most part, that's just a saying that was made up to teach patience. I think generally, if you want something, the best way to get it is to go after it. To say: yes, I want this. I'm going to make it happen.

Or, to acknowledge that it's not really that important and that you can live without it and forget about it. Move on.

Because maybe it's really not that important to you and you decide it's not worth it.

And on the other hand, even if it is important to you, if you're not willing to work for it, if you don't care enough to try, then maybe you don't deserve it.

If you just stay where you are and wait for things to happen, you'll never get anywhere.

Don't sit around waiting for your life to come to you. Take the first step. Go out and live it.